I had a good laugh at myself yesterday.

I’ve been keeping a handwritten journal of my thoughts and experiences during the COVID19 pandemic. We’re living today during the history that generations after us will read about.

For me, it’s been a time of deep contemplation and inquiry. 101 years ago, two of my grandmother’s brothers died 4 days apart in the 1919 Influenza Pandemic. They were 20 and 26 years old at the time. A few months after that, her mother died. My grandmother was 18 when all this happened.

I can’t help but think about how that affected the trajectory of our family, even to today. The deepest loss that’s difficult to comprehend had to have shaped how my grandmother was able to love and trust while she raised her own children.

I think it would be fascinating to read today about the thoughts and experiences my grandmother had at the time of the 1919 Spanish Flu. That’s why I’ve kept my own journal during COVID19.

Back to yesterday, and the good laugh I had to have at myself.

I don’t force myself to write in the journal. When I feel led to do it, I do it. For a few days my spirits had dipped. I was feeling grumbly about the conspiracy theories being shared on social media. I was appalled by armed militias protesting and even storming a state capital. I was frustrated by people complaining about the smallest sacrifices they’ve been asked to make.

Because I’d been feeling sad, I decided not to write in the journal for a few days. I didn’t want the future people reading it to feel like I was being negative or a downer. That was my wake up call.

Yeah, I had that thought.

I was worrying about what future, unknown people would think about me if I complained in my own personal journal. Yeah, I had that thought. And that thought snuck in like a sneaky little assassin. The thought was subtle, and I wasn’t even aware of it until I said the idea out loud to my husband.

Have awareness and move on. And go ahead and laugh.

Personal growth can be a double edged sword. It’s easy to beat yourself up when you realize you’ve taken a step back.

No part of me is beating myself up over it, but I do get a chuckle out of it. Yep, you’re human Christine!

You’re human too. The idea of getting it right all the time, or never slipping into a state of mind you’d rather avoid isn’t realistic. Just observe it and move on. And if you want, have a good laugh at yourself (in a kind way).

All images open source from pixabay.com